Wednesday

After a long day of appointments and work, I am sitting on the floor of my daughter's room waiting for her to fall asleep.  She used to fall asleep on her own.  I would tuck her in, kiss her, say goodnight, and walk away but then something changed.  About a month ago, she started waking up multi times a night and coming into my room.  Her stress and anxiety went through the roof for no reason that seems apparent to me.  It's like she has regressed back a few years when sitting on her floor as she tried to fall asleep was the norm.

Back then it was just her, my son, and me.  My little family of three.  I had the time and the patience to sit there as they drifted off to sleep in the same room, in separate beds.  I don't so much have the patience night after night now.  My back is killing me, the boys are still up in the other part of the house and, honestly, I'm tired.  I would really like to be tucking myself under the covers and switching off my light.

But nope.  I'm sitting on the hard wood floor, listening to her toss and turn, and knowing the minutes are ticking by.

Stay in this moment, my heart says. It will be gone too soon and just like a thousand other times and moments, you will ache to have it back.  My head says "Fall asleep quickly, child.  I have things to do."

As always...a battle of the heart and mind ensue.  

She is still little.....a little thing of nine.  She thinks she's all grown up but I know better.  When her brother was nine, and at that time the oldest child I had parented, I thought he was a big kid.  Looking back I cringe at the way I saw him...big and strapping compared to his then six year old sister.  But now?  Now when I look at photos I see this little small boy so see?  I know she isn't big yet.

And sometimes...when you aren't big, you still need your mommy to sit on the floor of your room while you try to fall asleep.