I have been spending some time in reflection lately, probably more than I should, and a few things are becoming clear: A) I miss blogging and having a place to get all this "stuff" out and B) I miss digital scrapbooking.
I can't do anything about B right now since my desktop computer met the computer maker in the sky, my laptop is obsolete and runs painfully slow, and there are no funds to do anything about either.
But I *can* blog. The hardest part of that was deciding if I wanted to use one of my old existing blogs or start over with this one that I had created last January but never used. Guess which one won? :)
I'm blogging from my iPad so please excuse typos or words that make no sense. I'm not awesome at proof reading before hitting post and my auto correct has a mind of its own.
Ok...so now that all that intro-y type stuff is done, I guess I can start. I'm not actually sure where the beginning is......which is why writing again feels like something I should do. To try to make sense of things because right now, not a whole lot makes sense in my head.
I'm turning 50 in fourteen days. That's a huge number and I will admit to having issues with it. I stopped coloring my hair this year and that unmistakable grey color has taken over. I've lost weight (due to various reasons) and my skin has that "older" look to it now. When I look in the mirror, I see someone who is aging more quickly than she would like.
Sure, I could go back to coloring my hair but the truth is, it was a pain in the butt. I let it go mostly grey before the last time I colored it and then after I colored it, I hated it. I wanted some of the grey back. So...I decided to let it go. I'm not sure if it was my best decision but it's done for now.
My mom lived only to 68 and by 50 was showing signs of her brain disease. Don't think I don't worry every time I forget a word, or misplace something, or can't remember what someone told me three days ago. I worry. I do. Fifty is a big number.
My own health isn't the greatest. Nothing that will kill me outright but a spinal disease/disorder that causes issues on a continual basis. It could be worse....so I'm thankful it's not. But....glass half empty...it could be better. The new thing in the past 6-8 months is the constant fatigue. Some days I feel like I have a wet blanket that I am dragging around with me. You would think I could sleep but no, that's something that is hard to do, too. BUT...like I said, it could be worse so I am going to stop complaining. No one wants to hear it, including me. :)
Where does all this leave me? I don't know. I suppose that's where this blog comes in. A place to let my thoughts roam free (Heaven help us all) and see what I can figure out as I navigate this strange place I reside. No longer "young", no longer a "new mother", no longer someone's "child". I'm in my mid life (and clearly a mid life crisis) with still young-ish kids, in my second marriage, step family, and completely unsure of who I am anymore.
I used to know. At least, I think I used to know. Maybe I've never known. Maybe none of us really know which, in all truthfulness, would make me feel a whole lot better.
I have this habit of looking back over my life and see it all as peaceful and calm.....beautiful, happy memories even though I know those days were filled with angst, anxiety, confusion, etc. it's just that when I look back, all I can really see are the happy moments: Small children dancing in the kitchen, games of make believe, costume dress up, dolls, stuffed animals, swing sets, etc.
I wonder if that if how these days that I am desperately trying to muddle through, will look in ten years. Like it was all so easy and carefree. Right now it doesn't feel like that will be the case but time is a mysterious and magical thing.
So....welcome to my crazy brain. Hold on and enjoy the ride.
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