Flashback

I just saw someone's throw back Thursday photo of their daughter's first day of kindergarten in 2010.  It hit me like a kick in the gut that Kaylen started school that year as well and even though the pictures show nothing but smiles, there was so much pain that day.

D had moved out in January and the kids and I navigated our way through the year, broken and lost.  Kaylen started kindergarten in September, Kelton was in 3rd grade.  It was a disaster of a year.  The tears that were shed by the three of us....mostly Kaylen and me.  The life altering choices made by Kelton to begin to steal things from his teachers and classroom.

The year was a nightmare. 

I feel robbed in so many ways.  The selfishness of one person ripped apart the lives of others.  I guess I just don't understand that level of selfishness.  Not to say I'm not the one inviting it into my life because clearly I do.  (Marriage 2 has more than a good deal of selfishness going on as well.). I try so hard to make life easy for those I love that it seems selfish people are drawn to me so that I can take care of them and they can do whatever they want to do.  So yes, I play a role, too.

I'm not sure where I was going with this.  It's been almost an hr since I started it but then was interrupted by the boys bedtime craziness and the end of the night chores.  I guess I still have a lot of processing to do.  When everything happened, five years ago, I wasn't really "allowed" to process through my blog.  It was a landmine of everyone's opinions, taking sides, making it seem like I was ok....fear of being judged.  I look back over my Facebook posts from five years ago and it barely alludes to the pain I was in.  Again...for fear of being judged by everyone because everyone WAS judging me.

So I guess that is sort of what this blog is for...a release.  To get stuff out and hopefully...have it OUT.  The pain of the divorce...of not being good engh or worth the effort.....changed me.  The game of "am I good engh for someone else to like." Played with my head.  All of it together is a lot.  Clearly.  Because five years later I still need to find out how to put the puzzle together.  If I can just make the pieces fit, maybe...just maybe.....life will make sense again.

Because you know what?  It doesn't.  Life doesn't make sense to me.