I used to know

I used to know who I was.  Maybe.  At least, I think I did.  I want to believe I did.  Before children.  Even after children.  I lost pieces of me here and there but even after the divorce, I had an idea of who I was and what I wanted.  Where I was heading.  The dreams I had.

I'm not sure I know anymore.  I feel lost.

It doesn't help that I live in a constant state of fight or flight (something about the nerves at T5 being responsible for it).  I'm panicked all the time.  Heart racing, mind racing.  Never sure of where I am, where Im going.  If I'm safe or not.

It's a sucky way to live. And scary.

And right now...everything scares me.

Spinning in circles.......round and round I go.

Two Good Days

Really good days.  I'm not doing anything different which can really only mean it isn't about me.  I'm not doing, or doing, anything that makes for hard days.  Does that make sense?

I just don't know what to make of any of it.

But in the other side of life....Kaylen is still not doing well.  It makes me nervous though I feel a wee bit better having seen an X-ray of her guy yesterday.  Nothing obvious.....like a tumor.  She is/was backed up which could cause it but after her meds in the afternoon, she made several trips to the bathroom so she and I were both hopeful that it got things moving along and today would be good.

And it was....this morning.  Before lunch she was in pain.  She hung in there until 115pm and then called to come home.  Thankfully, today is a stay at home day.  I often wonder how single parents, without family or support system, handle it when kids get sick at school.  I'm pretty sure, if I had a regular 9-5 full time job, I'd have been fired this fall.  Kaylen has missed a good deal of school...mostly needing to come home early.  And heavens knows the ex wouldn't take time off to take care of sick kids.  She never has.....even when I had conflicts in my schedule.  I was the one expected to cancel whatever appointments or work I had scheduled to stay home.

It makes it really hard.  So I am fortunate that way... I do get to be here when they need me. 

I just wish we could figure out what's going on with her and get her feeling better again.

Flashback

I just saw someone's throw back Thursday photo of their daughter's first day of kindergarten in 2010.  It hit me like a kick in the gut that Kaylen started school that year as well and even though the pictures show nothing but smiles, there was so much pain that day.

D had moved out in January and the kids and I navigated our way through the year, broken and lost.  Kaylen started kindergarten in September, Kelton was in 3rd grade.  It was a disaster of a year.  The tears that were shed by the three of us....mostly Kaylen and me.  The life altering choices made by Kelton to begin to steal things from his teachers and classroom.

The year was a nightmare. 

I feel robbed in so many ways.  The selfishness of one person ripped apart the lives of others.  I guess I just don't understand that level of selfishness.  Not to say I'm not the one inviting it into my life because clearly I do.  (Marriage 2 has more than a good deal of selfishness going on as well.). I try so hard to make life easy for those I love that it seems selfish people are drawn to me so that I can take care of them and they can do whatever they want to do.  So yes, I play a role, too.

I'm not sure where I was going with this.  It's been almost an hr since I started it but then was interrupted by the boys bedtime craziness and the end of the night chores.  I guess I still have a lot of processing to do.  When everything happened, five years ago, I wasn't really "allowed" to process through my blog.  It was a landmine of everyone's opinions, taking sides, making it seem like I was ok....fear of being judged.  I look back over my Facebook posts from five years ago and it barely alludes to the pain I was in.  Again...for fear of being judged by everyone because everyone WAS judging me.

So I guess that is sort of what this blog is for...a release.  To get stuff out and hopefully...have it OUT.  The pain of the divorce...of not being good engh or worth the effort.....changed me.  The game of "am I good engh for someone else to like." Played with my head.  All of it together is a lot.  Clearly.  Because five years later I still need to find out how to put the puzzle together.  If I can just make the pieces fit, maybe...just maybe.....life will make sense again.

Because you know what?  It doesn't.  Life doesn't make sense to me.

True Tori

I've been watching the second season of True Tori and it is so painful.  My heart breaks for them both because of what I went through in my first marriage.  In the episode I am watching now, Dean's first wife is telling Tori that they had been a real family with real dreams before Tori and Dean got together and Dean ended his marriage.  I can relate to so much of what they are all saying.  Infidelity (and yes, emotional infidelity counts) does so much damage to the person who didn't see it coming.  The lack of trust it leaves within the person.......the feelings of "I can't trust what I feel, what I see, what I know.  I can't trust anyone but mostly, I can't trust myself because I didn't see this coming.  I will never again be able to have blind faith.  I will never ever be able to trust someone like I did."  You don't consciously say that, or even have a hint it is happening, but over time.....you come to realize your trust has been completely shaken and even five years later, I have yet to regain my trust balance.

I know those feelings of betrayal.  They are in the back of my mind, and sometimes in the forethought of everything, every single day.

You might move on...because what choice do you have.....but you never get past it.  It's always there. Just waiting.

If you have ever had your heart broken, or want to see what the pain of having it done does, True Tori is a very real example.

Sleepy Morning

After days of freezing temperatures and clear skies, today it is raining.  I wish nature had gotten its act together and made snow instead.  White, beautiful falling snow changes the way the world feels.  I'm not a fan of being locked away without the possibility of going somewhere (whether I choose to go somewhere or not) but I do love the magic and excitement that snow brings.  Not to mention that isn't better excuse for staying inside, bundled up, all day without guilt.

In what seems like another lifetime ago (last year), I would get up, shower, and dress before driving Kaylen to school.  This year, not so much.  After years of being presentable to drop kids at school, I now find myself in the drop off lane wearing sweats, a sweatshirt, and a baseball cap (to hide my "bed head" hair).  Depending on the day, of course.  If I need to go into the school for any reason, or need to go anywhere after school drop off, then I do get ready prior to leaving.  Otherwise, I just slum it and then come back home.  Depending on my schedule for the day, it could be 10am before I jump in the shower.  That would be today.  I'm sitting on the couch, under my favorite blanket, in sweats and a sweatshirt.  If I have to defend this laziness, I will add that I do all the things a mom needs to do to send her kids off for their day, morning chores are done, and laundry is underway.  It's just that I've gotten to the point where I'm ok not being 100% "world ready" when it is a stay at home day.

Speaking of stay at home days....I find, now that I live outside of the city, I have more and more stay at home days than I have "getting out in the world" days.  I know it isn't good for me and I know I feel better being in the world but everything is so far from here.  I often wish I hadn't moved to the country and instead had stayed in the city.  Everything was so close to my other house and I miss that. Mom how I miss that.  Even going to the grocery store is a challenge for me from this house.

There are pluses to being out here.  But there are negatives, too.  The ying and yang of life, I guess.

I miss my old life.  By comparison, my old life seemed so much easier.  So much more simple.  Is that just how memories are?  I know there were hard days, awful days, back then but time manages to softens the impact somehow.  I have a feeling that one day I will look back on these days and they will seem simple.

Life is odd.

I read something the other day...it was meant to be humorous, I think, but it is thought provoking for me.  A person died and got to where ever he went after this and the question asked of him was "somewhat was heaven like?"  Is it wrong that I hope like crazy that this life isn't the "happily ever after heaven" that we are told about?  Because if it is, that is a terrifying thought.

Wednesday

After a long day of appointments and work, I am sitting on the floor of my daughter's room waiting for her to fall asleep.  She used to fall asleep on her own.  I would tuck her in, kiss her, say goodnight, and walk away but then something changed.  About a month ago, she started waking up multi times a night and coming into my room.  Her stress and anxiety went through the roof for no reason that seems apparent to me.  It's like she has regressed back a few years when sitting on her floor as she tried to fall asleep was the norm.

Back then it was just her, my son, and me.  My little family of three.  I had the time and the patience to sit there as they drifted off to sleep in the same room, in separate beds.  I don't so much have the patience night after night now.  My back is killing me, the boys are still up in the other part of the house and, honestly, I'm tired.  I would really like to be tucking myself under the covers and switching off my light.

But nope.  I'm sitting on the hard wood floor, listening to her toss and turn, and knowing the minutes are ticking by.

Stay in this moment, my heart says. It will be gone too soon and just like a thousand other times and moments, you will ache to have it back.  My head says "Fall asleep quickly, child.  I have things to do."

As always...a battle of the heart and mind ensue.  

She is still little.....a little thing of nine.  She thinks she's all grown up but I know better.  When her brother was nine, and at that time the oldest child I had parented, I thought he was a big kid.  Looking back I cringe at the way I saw him...big and strapping compared to his then six year old sister.  But now?  Now when I look at photos I see this little small boy so see?  I know she isn't big yet.

And sometimes...when you aren't big, you still need your mommy to sit on the floor of your room while you try to fall asleep.

To Blog or Not To Blog....

...that is the question.

I have been spending some time in reflection lately, probably more than I should, and a few things are becoming clear:  A) I miss blogging and having a place to get all this "stuff" out and B) I miss digital scrapbooking.

I can't do anything about B right now since my desktop computer met the computer maker in the sky, my laptop is obsolete and runs painfully slow, and there are no funds to do anything about either.

But I *can* blog.  The hardest part of that was deciding if I wanted to use one of my old existing blogs or start over with this one that I had created last January but never used.  Guess which one won?  :)

I'm blogging from my iPad so please excuse typos or words that make no sense.  I'm not awesome at proof reading before hitting post and my auto correct has a mind of its own.

Ok...so now that all that intro-y type stuff is done, I guess I can start.  I'm not actually sure where the beginning is......which is why writing again feels like something I should do.  To try to make sense of things because right now, not a whole lot makes sense in my head.

I'm turning 50 in fourteen days.  That's a huge number and I will admit to having issues with it.  I stopped coloring my hair this year and that unmistakable grey color has taken over.  I've lost weight (due to various reasons) and my skin has that "older" look to it now.  When I look in the mirror, I see someone who is aging more quickly than she would like.  

Sure, I could go back to coloring my hair but the truth is, it was a pain in the butt.  I let it go mostly grey before the last time I colored it and then after I colored it, I hated it.  I wanted some of the grey back.  So...I decided to let it go.  I'm not sure if it was my best decision but it's done for now.

My mom lived only to 68 and by 50 was showing signs of her brain disease.  Don't think I don't worry every time I forget a word, or misplace something, or can't remember what someone told me three days ago.  I worry.  I do.  Fifty is a big number.

My own health isn't the greatest.  Nothing that will kill me outright but a spinal disease/disorder that causes issues on a continual basis.  It could be worse....so I'm thankful it's not.  But....glass half empty...it could be better.  The new thing in the past 6-8 months is the constant fatigue.  Some days I feel like I have a wet blanket that I am dragging around with me.  You would think I could sleep but no, that's something that is hard to do, too.  BUT...like I said, it could be worse so I am going to stop complaining.  No one wants to hear it, including me.  :)

Where does all this leave me?  I don't know.  I suppose that's where this blog comes in.  A place to let my thoughts roam free (Heaven help us all) and see what I can figure out as I navigate this strange place I reside.  No longer "young", no longer a "new mother", no longer someone's "child".  I'm in my mid life (and clearly a mid life crisis) with still young-ish kids, in my second marriage, step family, and completely unsure of who I am anymore.

I used to know.  At least, I think I used to know.  Maybe I've never known.  Maybe none of us really know which, in all truthfulness, would make me feel a whole lot better.

I have this habit of looking back over my life and see it all as peaceful and calm.....beautiful, happy memories even though I know those days were filled with angst, anxiety, confusion, etc.  it's just that when I look back, all I can really see are the happy moments: Small children dancing in the kitchen, games of make believe, costume dress up, dolls, stuffed animals, swing sets, etc.

I wonder if that if how these days that I am desperately trying to muddle through, will look in ten years. Like it was all so easy and carefree.  Right now it doesn't feel like that will be the case but time is a mysterious and magical thing.

So....welcome to my crazy brain.  Hold on and enjoy the ride.